the emo azn (jesusdchrist) wrote,
the emo azn
jesusdchrist

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realizations 'r' us

my days have sort of been bleeding in together. doesn't help that alcohol was involved for a decent splice of reading period. and wednesday night, ohhh. lots of good and bad that night...which i only started to piece together and understand fully thursday and friday morning-ish. spent all of thursday working and/or sleeping, with din din in between. i woke up late for life and work again friday morning but i finally signed the incomplete course contract with jen and talked to this lady in academic advising about my "issues"...got home, ate, drank some more, talked and apologized and wept, spent the night with her again.

she's giving me another shot at this whole deal, real and my first; "prove me wrong" is the name of the game. i'd say 'i never read that much of it' or 'i only found it a couple of months ago' any of that stuff to downplay what i did wrong but it wouldn't justify the blatant disregard and abuse of trust, at all. it still has not sat well with me, and everyone else claims that i'm just going crazy again and overthinking things but i'm sticking with the game. i'm not saying that i will never ever do anything to compromise the trust again, but i will try to never ever do that. i think she's worth it to try. i'm considering step one: giving up the internet life.

i had an intense conversation with my mom saturday night. i cracked and told her about the troubles i've been having with my classes and just financial stuff and about how our last conversation went...you know, the one about me being a slacker and how i'm just not trying hard enough because i waste too much time with all my friends (all two of them) and going out and partaying and that explains for why i am slowly falling behind in school. she would not listen to me at all, would not let me finish, and we were both just talking over each other. i was heading over to julia's to work on genetics and had to head back home because i started bawling. she got all defensive and said for the first time ever that my dad really doesn't want to support me being out here because it was my decision and that this is just one of the consequences i have to pay for (quite literally) so i should just stop asking. fuck you, i never asked. i knew it from the very start and sure felt horrible telling people that that was the case but hearing it from her, from them...its different and it really hurts. she kept saying it was beyond her control and "hate to say i told you so" and "this is what you wanted" blah blah blah.
i got off the phone and my dad called twice but i didn't answer; he called back today asking when my last day of class was and when i was coming home. thats it. strange, much?

i don't blame them really...i can't. they are products of a different time and place, a whole other culture. we will never be able to understand each other on the same level in many different situations. i can not go back to them after graduation (if that even happens...) i love you both but we're too different. made me want to write my siblings and just let them know that at least i understand and am around to help, should they need it. maybe when i'm less busy fighting life. it's no one's fault and these problems are just too far out of our reach and our control. at the same time, this only makes it a tougher pill to swallow.

why is life doing this all to me now? i'm certain i've exhausted the complete range of emotions within this five-or-so day window but i've babbled enough of the important information. i've seen the good and the bad, just trying to remember how to feel.

plus, i heard word about finals week quickly approaching. whatever that means.
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