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goodbye 2008 [Friday January 2 2009 @ 9:55 pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | the cranberries - linger ] yes, yes...it's that special time of the year again (AUS time!): 1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? in no particular order: puked after drinking at the new years partay with leng and jonjon(i didn't even have that much to drink!), first international trip (australia! and on my own), met a large majority of family from my mom's side and a smaller part of my dad's side in australia, smelled a koala, counseling & as is, got dad's car and being able to drive on my own, road tripped up to tacoma from la with linden, kiss, sex, gf, date date, gyno exam, all the accompanying emotions and thoughts tacked on with a relationship, visited the castro last winter break...stayed there during the summer, legal drink, first new years without the folks and spent winter break 2007-08 with friends in norcal/oregon, gay pride in seattle, visited chicago, met linden's parents, off-campus house at the 709 (stayed there this summer), ikea furniture, driving the uhaul, mcgriddle, made a postcard, asked my parents to help pay next month's rent, info center job, receptionist job, left the alumni office (about time!), student alumni association president, camping at mt. rainier, shore crab collection/worked alone on a scientific IP, mosquito bites, flea bites, the married life, bars, bumbershoot, whale watching with marine biology class, helped bake two dozen red velvet cupcakes, snoqualmie falls, sequim, vashon island, anderson island, salmon beach, pulled out invasive blackberry bushes, tutoring jade, big questions following my vietnam war class, tattoo, threading, voted, first gen kids meeting at ups, greenhouse floor all to myself, shindig in jan, extreme awkward dance at said shindig, hookah, three classes, beginning yoga, beginning bowling, new years day hike with stephie and her fam bam, the end? 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i don't remember doing this survey last year but it was a good year for me. i want to take all the questions and lessons i've learned from this past year and use them to make next year even better. i have honestly never felt like i've questioned and challenged myself more than i did in 2008 but at the same time i think i held myself back a lot of the time too. i have my relationships and some specific classes to thank for encouraging me to grow more in this way. i want to find myself again. 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? paulina gave birth to madelyn. 4. Did anyone close to you die? my paw-paw, the old apt landlady. some shore crab-lettes. dip & dot. hamilton meatypenis hashbrowns. it was a sad year:( 5. What countries did you visit? melbourne, australia for winter break! chicago during thanksgiving break, the california coast and beyond during the summer. a bunch of chinatowns in victoria, vancouver, BC with the folks during spring break. 6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? well i will have the knowledge from living and my choices in 2008. i'd like to actually execute some of the plans i talked and thought about so passionately in the past year, like some reconciliation or closure, something, with my parents; a more developed/applied sense of appreciation, understanding, and respect for all i've learned in 2008. basically to be able to put everything back in action again. always more money, sadly, to save more of it. to not be so afraid of fear itself, but rather to embrace and recognize all that i am and that i feel. to ask for help when i need to. to talk more and more honestly. driving less. posters up on my wall and finish decorating my room. stay rational. 7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory? the day i got my tattoo, my 21st birthday, linden's 22nd bday, roadtrippin days, april 4th, the last few parts of 2008 when it started getting colder and my thoughts were scattered everywhere. the conversation i had with my mom about prop 8 before election day. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? (no order) 1.) questioning and recognizing 2.) asking for help 3.) my relationship with linden 4.) stepping away from the alumni office, saa president, logger leader (thanks summer) 5.) trying and sticking 6.) staying on my own despite my parents 9. What was your biggest failure? (no order) 1.) asking for incomplete grades 2.) giving in to short-sightedness 3.) forgetting and becoming weaker because of it 4.) drawing money out of savings, the brief unemployment stint 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i got the gay disease, i think. nothing too serious, maybe SAD who knows. i felt weak and out-of-control at times. intense, but no illness or injury. 11. What was the best thing you bought? gas money and everything for this summer, the road trip. tattoo. gifties. 12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? linden when she stuck by me for a good portion of times i wasn't thinking clearly. stephanie for covering up the remaining times and picking up my calls or returning my messages. as is. all prop 8 supporters. 13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? i did a bit, in relation to linden but isn't that what relationships are? it's been so new and confusing for me but i'm looking to sort through most of it, if not everything, again in the new year. my mom's opinions on prop 8 before election day. some of stephie's behavior perplexed me. arjun was a bit upsetting too following the summer break. amanda was a bitch too with the flea and living situation at linden's house. america's most hated family. bigoted, outspoken mccain supporters. 14. Where did most of your money go? anything college-related. groceries. summer fun. eating out. gifts/activities. rent, room furniture. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? summer! road trip! my 21st. chicago. australia, after the flight. beginning bowling class. spending time with linden. 16. What song will always remind you of 2008? sea wolf - the garden that you planted & the promise (summer) linden's mixes for me, my mixes for her the wallflowers - back to california, at the very end 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? before the end of fall semester hit i was beyond happy. i'm still unsure how this winter compares to last winter on the happy-scale, it's just been different. ii. thinner or fatter? fatter! and i blame linden! iii. richer or poorer? rich rich rich at the start and then poor poor poor following summer. iv. more established? i wouldn't really say so but i think i'm getting there again, slowly but surely. 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? remembering who i am and what that means in relation to all the ones i love the mostest. staying strong, not forgetting so much. ask for help. not letting things get to me so easily. saving, working harder. 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? overthinking, being scared, crying, hiding, lying, procrastinating, being unmotivated, thinking i can change the people around me, spending so much time looking for answers and the truth, spending so much dough, feeling the need to be in control of everything. 20. How will you be spending Christmas? i flew into melbourne, aus and was greeted by my cousins jen and leng. the reception desk had to help me find them. spent the rest of the day with family from my mom's side of the family. very bizarre day. 22. Did you fall in love in 2008? my linden. 23. How many one-night stands? zilch. 24. What was your favourite TV program? the l word, duh. what the fuck was up with season 5's finale though? uuugh! i was also obsessed with the bbc's documentary show with louis theroux during the last months of this year. linden got me hooked on south of nowhere too, sick. i sound so homosexual right now. 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? joel elliott's teaching. working with michelle on my animal phys IP. 26. What was the best book you read? i really liked the stranger by camus. absolutely all the stories i read from my vietnam war class. most readings from my existentialism class. all the books i read with jade. i would like to read more in the future. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? arjun introduced me to sea wolf this summer. a lot of new stuff from linden and her mixes. kate and i have talked lots about music...i still need to trade music with her and jyeo. 28. What did you want and get? another year at ups, off campus house, summer in tacoma and on my own, linden/relationship, best birthday ever/avenue q (finally!), roadtrip, driving on my own finally, australia trip, met linden's parents and the home she grew up in, challenges + growth. 29. What did you want and not get? telling my parents the truth, prop 8 protest, strength + clarity + sanity towards the end of the year, a frickin' job (!!) after the summer, reassurances here and there, my savings money to be left untouched. 30. What was your favourite film of this year? that i saw this year: milk! three seasons. daughter from danang. the killing fields. juno. hard candy. australia and the curious case of benjamin button were also interesting but meh-ish. i liked the story lines. 31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 21 whee! best.birthday.ever, i swear it. and i'll always remember it: the castro with linden. first legal drink = absinthe, lame dyke bar that was closing shortly after midnight on a thursday, pina colada at mix the gay bar where the drink was free and i was carded (at last!) AND the entire bar sang to me:) next morning (the actual birth-day), mimosas with bfast and goodbye castro. ohh look sutro baths, hey we have to be back in tacoma by tomorrow whoooosh getting lost in that national park in norcal...i swear we were gonna die but that was one of the best and most memorable nights with her ever. sped like a mad man down the 5 in norcal and thru the border into oregon, rest stop for about 3-4 hrs. finally made it to tacoma in time to go up to seattle and have an amazing dinner with friends. avenue q, i loved! no gifts. like i said, best.birthday.ever. and i'll always remember it. 32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? more time. more money. more confidence and strength. more independence. me staying focused and motivated. truth. more understanding. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? ick more tshirts and jeans, generally speaking. i liked my hair for the most part. i want to chaaaange. 34. What kept you sane? i imploded a lot and i just went thru the motions. stephanie, at times. the few times i saw dan. writing. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? obama. keith olbermann. harvey milk. nancy bristow. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? the election. prop 8 in cali. the vietnam war. the nazi skinheads and america's most hated family counts? 37. Who did you miss? my family towards the last half of the year. linden, in parts. the past. little dana. stephie. old friends like nikkay and maria. the alumni office, in part. 38. Who was the best new person you met? all the relatives i've met in australia from my mom and dad's side. linden's parents. beck, i met this year? my bowling team: holden, jamie, and joey...we kicked ass! got to know arjun and linden more. SAA advisor colleen. 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: "hard work DOES pay off…eventually. surround yourself with the right people and good things will come from that. you will both be able to help each other out. sometimes people arent who you really think they are but the real truth in people takes time to uncover. sometimes, its worth the wait and effort to get to know people for who they really are. its not necessarily a good or bad thing, its just a learning experience overall." i wrote that 2 years ago and i feel the same way right now, a little bit. i'd just append to it: real change and answers don't come from truth alone. one has to acknowledge the truths, come to terms with it, and learn from it in order to see some worthwhile results. don't ever forget who you are, be strong. remain strong and independent, remember invictus. communication is key. reminder: jealousy is just another form of insecurity with one's self. discovering myself, my family, culture, and history...it'll always be a never-ending learning process. 40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "i think about you maybe more than i should but the smog is getting old the drugs i’m taking aren’t so good so will you talk to me even though you’ve had a late night because i need a little help baby, tell me i’ll be alright cause everything around me’s changed but the garden that you planted remains" i'd like to dedicate this survey to leng tiet and the cranberries. here's to a good 2009!

i forgot to breathe. [Wednesday November 12 2008 @ 2:21 pm] [ mood | gasp gasp ] i have an exam in animal physiology at 6pm. i want to go to the seattle protest against prop 8 this saturday but nooo i work-ish. i'm poor. thanksgiving - tee minus 14 days. i have tickets to australia for my winter break. i want to TA again next semester. where are my headphones? mom? i still need lots more data for my independent projects in marine bio and animal phys. i should send out that email to the student alumni association. december chill. i miss you. suck it up.

The Peace of Wild Things [Thursday May 8 2008 @ 8:36 pm] [ mood | touched ] When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. — Wendell Berry

it makes sense... [Monday January 28 2008 @ 11:59 pm] "A long time ago, for example, people used simply to drop things from time to time. But nowadays we have physicists to inform us of the laws of gravity by which objects fall; philosophers to doubt whether there are really any discrete objects to be dropped at all; sociologists to explain how all this dropping is really the consequence of urban pressures; psychologists to suggest that we are really trying to drop our parents; poets to write about how all this dropping is symbolic of death; and critics to argue that it is a sign of the poet's castration anxiety. Now dropping can never be the same again. We can never return to the happy garden where we simply wandered around dropping things all day without a care in the world. What has happened, rather, is that the practice has now been forced to take itself as its own object of enquiry. Theory is just human activity bending back upon itself, constrained into a new kind of self-reflexivity. And in absorbing this self-reflexivity, the activity itself will be transformed, as the production of literature is altered by the existence of literary criticism. This, however, would seem to involve a curious paradox. For one of the effects of rendering our practices self-conscious in this way, of formalizing the tacit understandings by which they operate, may well be to disable them. Perhaps we only did what we did because we were not conscious of the problematical assumptions underlying our conduct. Indeed many theorists, from Friedrich Nietzsche to Sigmund Freud and Louis Althusser, have claimed that such amnesia or oblivion is an essential condition for many purposive action whatsoever. To objectify a procedure is to turn it into a potential object of contestation, which is why it is always safer for a ruling order to follow the English path and not do anything as vulgar and perilous as actually committing its constitution to paper. If you think too hard about how to kiss someone you are bound to make a mess of it. Theory, then, potentially destabilizes social life; but I have said already that it is also a conservative force. It is conservative in so far as it often seeks to supply us with new rationales for what we do, ordering and formalizing our meanings; but it cannot do this without making us freshly conscious of what we do, and this may always raise the possibility that we should do something else for a change." - Terry Eagleton, The Significance of Theory (pg. 26-27)

today's dilemma: spring 2008 schedule [Friday January 18 2008 @ 3:58 pm] [ mood | try harder ] [ music | reeve oliver - on the floor ] ( tah-dah! ) josh said that bill beardsley is a tough professor but that existentialism is his top focus class so maybe it won't be that difficult having it mingle in with my science classes. i mean, the topic (and the discipline, for that matter) is by no means a small and simple matter but the course description definitely peaked my interests...especially when compared to another sts class about modeling the earth's climate and art 101 (seeing as how beginning photography might not even be offered my senior year). it doesn't look too bad overall, as far as classroom/lab hours are concerned. i should've probably figured this all out earlier...now i gotta fit in my work hours and get back to sharron, who hasn't pestered me about this yet; how odd. stephie's got on her mom hat and been yelling at me about this whole homework deal since wednesday...? it makes me scared. but i think i need it. must.stay.focused! elvi flew into seattle last night, and my mom turned a year older. i haven't seen him in four and a half years, and her in 140 (and counting) days. he's coming down this weekend sometime so we can play catch up, while she's figuring stuff out with my dad to maybe visit during my spring break. i get to move back into the green house tomorrow morning. i can not wait. more then, thend for now.

tokens [Saturday January 5 2008 @ 10:41 pm] [ mood | wondering... ] [ music | the queen ] it hasn't been too difficult staying away from the internet this winter break, what with the constant company i am surrounded with. life seems to have slowed down a bit because of this but there certainly hasn't been a lack of events... * a hardcore storm has torn through the bay area and lingered around for the past three days. yesterday was probably the worst of them all and we spent all day without power. stephie and i had plans to go into the city but ended up staying indoors because of the terrible weather conditions. we went out later to the cirque du soleil kooza show, and it still amazes me the way her dad managed to serendipitously obtain an extra ticket for me. * the power eventually came back late this afternoon when stephie and i were headed for "ice skating", which actually turned out to be really dinky anyways with the small plastic piece-together-puzzle-parts. instead, we ventured off to explore an indie cafe + bookstore, after being trapped by a bitchy old hag in the lot around the "ice skating" pavilion and being yelled at by her insane neighbor. * relations with him and then her. le sigh. * marine interactions discussion analyses! * both new years eve and the first day of the new year were amazing: great company, good times, tasty alcohol, board games, beautiful hike...yes, yes, yes. more details and stuff to come, most likely after i return to tacoma, whenever that may be.

goodbye 2008 [Wednesday January 2 2008 @ 9:54 pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | the cranberries - linger ] yes, yes...it's that special time of the year again (AUS time!): 1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? in no particular order: puked after drinking at the new years partay with leng and jonjon(i didn't even have that much to drink!), first international trip (australia! and on my own), met a large majority of family from my mom's side and a smaller part of my dad's side in australia, smelled a koala, counseling & as is, got dad's car and being able to drive on my own, road tripped up to tacoma from la with linden, kiss, sex, gf, date date, gyno exam, all the accompanying emotions and thoughts tacked on with a relationship, visited the castro last winter break...stayed there during the summer, legal drink, first new years without the folks and spent winter break 2007-08 with friends in norcal/oregon, gay pride in seattle, visited chicago, met linden's parents, off-campus house at the 709 (stayed there this summer), ikea furniture, driving the uhaul, mcgriddle, made a postcard, asked my parents to help pay next month's rent, info center job, receptionist job, left the alumni office (about time!), student alumni association president, camping at mt. rainier, shore crab collection/worked alone on a scientific IP, mosquito bites, flea bites, the married life, bars, bumbershoot, whale watching with marine biology class, helped bake two dozen red velvet cupcakes, snoqualmie falls, sequim, vashon island, anderson island, salmon beach, pulled out invasive blackberry bushes, tutoring jade, big questions following my vietnam war class, tattoo, threading, voted, first gen kids meeting at ups, greenhouse floor all to myself, shindig in jan, extreme awkward dance at said shindig, hookah, three classes, beginning yoga, beginning bowling, new years day hike with stephie and her fam bam, the end? 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i don't remember doing this survey last year but it was a good year for me. i want to take all the questions and lessons i've learned from this past year and use them to make next year even better. i have honestly never felt like i've questioned and challenged myself more than i did in 2008 but at the same time i think i held myself back a lot of the time too. i have my relationships and some specific classes to thank for encouraging me to grow more in this way. i want to find myself again. 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? paulina gave birth to madelyn. 4. Did anyone close to you die? my paw-paw, the old apt landlady. some shore crab-lettes. 5. What countries did you visit? melbourne, australia for winter break! chicago during thanksgiving break, the california coast and beyond during the summer. a bunch of chinatowns in victoria, vancouver, BC with the folks during spring break. 6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? well i will have the knowledge from living and my choices in 2008. i'd like to actually execute some of the plans i talked and thought about so passionately in the past year, like some reconciliation or closure, something, with my parents; a more developed/applied sense of appreciation, understanding, and respect for all i've learned in 2008. basically to be able to put everything back in action again. always more money, sadly, to save more of it. to not be so afraid of fear itself, but rather to embrace and recognize all that i am and that i feel. to ask for help when i need to. to talk more and more honestly. driving less. posters up on my wall and finish decorating my room. stay rational. 7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory? the day i got my tattoo, my 21st birthday, linden's 22nd bday, roadtrippin days, april 4th, the last few parts of 2008 when it started getting colder and my thoughts were scattered everywhere. the conversation i had with my mom about prop 8 before election day. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? (no order) 1.) questioning and recognizing 2.) asking for help 3.) my relationship with linden 4.) stepping away from the alumni office, saa president, logger leader (thanks summer) 5.) trying and sticking 6.) staying on my own despite my parents 9. What was your biggest failure? (no order) 1.) asking for incomplete grades 2.) giving in to short-sightedness 3.) forgetting and becoming weaker because of it 4.) drawing money out of savings, the brief unemployment stint 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i got the gay disease, i think. nothing too serious, maybe SAD who knows. i felt weak and out-of-control at times. intense, but no illness or injury. 11. What was the best thing you bought? gas money and everything for this summer, the road trip. tattoo. gifties. 12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? linden when she stuck by me for a good portion of times i wasn't thinking clearly. stephanie for covering up the remaining times and picking up my calls or returning my messages. as is. all prop 8 supporters. 13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? i did a bit, in relation to linden but isn't that what relationships are? it's been so new and confusing for me but i'm looking to sort through most of it, if not everything, again in the new year. my mom's opinions on prop 8 before election day. some of stephie's behavior perplexed me. arjun was a bit upsetting too following the summer break. amanda was a bitch too with the flea and living situation at linden's house. america's most hated family. bigoted, outspoken mccain supporters. 14. Where did most of your money go? anything college-related. groceries. summer fun. eating out. gifts/activities. rent, room furniture. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? summer! road trip! my 21st. chicago. australia, after the flight. beginning bowling class. spending time with linden. 16. What song will always remind you of 2008? sea wolf - the garden that you planted & the promise (summer) linden's mixes for me, my mixes for her the wallflowers - back to california, at the very end 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? before the end of fall semester hit i was beyond happy. i'm still unsure how this winter compares to last winter on the happy-scale, it's just been different. ii. thinner or fatter? fatter! and i blame linden! iii. richer or poorer? rich rich rich at the start and then poor poor poor following summer. iv. more established? i wouldn't really say so but i think i'm getting there again, slowly but surely. 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? remembering who i am and what that means in relation to all the ones i love the mostest. staying strong, not forgetting so much. ask for help. not letting things get to me so easily. saving, working harder. 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? overthinking, being scared, crying, hiding, lying, procrastinating, being unmotivated, thinking i can change the people around me, spending so much time looking for answers and the truth, spending so much dough, feeling the need to be in control of everything. 20. How will you be spending Christmas? i flew into melbourne, aus and was greeted by my cousins jen and leng. the reception desk had to help me find them. spent the rest of the day with family from my mom's side of the family. very bizarre day. 22. Did you fall in love in 2008? my linden. 23. How many one-night stands? zilch. 24. What was your favourite TV program? the l word, duh. what the fuck was up with season 5's finale though? uuugh! i was also obsessed with the bbc's documentary show with louis theroux during the last months of this year. linden got me hooked on south of nowhere too, sick. i sound so homosexual right now. 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? joel elliott's teaching. working with michelle on my animal phys IP. 26. What was the best book you read? i really liked the stranger by camus. absolutely all the stories i read from my vietnam war class. most readings from my existentialism class. all the books i read with jade. i would like to read more in the future. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? arjun introduced me to sea wolf this summer. a lot of new stuff from linden and her mixes. kate and i have talked lots about music...i still need to trade music with her and jyeo. 28. What did you want and get? another year at ups, off campus house, summer in tacoma and on my own, linden/relationship, best birthday ever/avenue q (finally!), roadtrip, driving on my own finally, australia trip, met linden's parents and the home she grew up in, challenges + growth. 29. What did you want and not get? telling my parents the truth, prop 8 protest, strength + clarity + sanity towards the end of the year, a frickin' job (!!) after the summer, reassurances here and there, my savings money to be left untouched. 30. What was your favourite film of this year? that i saw this year: milk! three seasons. daughter from danang. the killing fields. juno. hard candy. australia and the curious case of benjamin button were also interesting but meh-ish. i liked the story lines. 31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 21 whee! best.birthday.ever, i swear it. and i'll always remember it: the castro with linden. first legal drink = absinthe, lame dyke bar that was closing shortly after midnight on a thursday, pina colada at mix the gay bar where the drink was free and i was carded (at last!) AND the entire bar sang to me:) next morning (the actual birth-day), mimosas with bfast and goodbye castro. ohh look sutro baths, hey we have to be back in tacoma by tomorrow whoooosh getting lost in that national park in norcal...i swear we were gonna die but that was one of the best and most memorable nights with her ever. sped like a mad man down the 5 in norcal and thru the border into oregon, rest stop for about 3-4 hrs. finally made it to tacoma in time to go up to seattle and have an amazing dinner with friends. avenue q, i loved! no gifts. like i said, best.birthday.ever. and i'll always remember it. 32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? more time. more money. more confidence and strength. more independence. me staying focused and motivated. truth. more understanding. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? ick more tshirts and jeans, generally speaking. i liked my hair for the most part. i want to chaaaange. 34. What kept you sane? i imploded a lot and i just went thru the motions. stephanie, at times. the few times i saw dan. writing. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? obama. keith olbermann. harvey milk. nancy bristow. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? the election. prop 8 in cali. the vietnam war. the nazi skinheads and america's most hated family counts? 37. Who did you miss? my family towards the last half of the year. linden, in parts. the past. little dana. stephie. old friends like nikkay and maria. the alumni office, in part. 38. Who was the best new person you met? all the relatives i've met in australia from my mom and dad's side. linden's parents. beck, i met this year? my bowling team: holden, jamie, and joey...we kicked ass! got to know arjun and linden more. SAA advisor colleen. 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: "hard work DOES pay off…eventually. surround yourself with the right people and good things will come from that. you will both be able to help each other out. sometimes people arent who you really think they are but the real truth in people takes time to uncover. sometimes, its worth the wait and effort to get to know people for who they really are. its not necessarily a good or bad thing, its just a learning experience overall." i wrote that 2 years ago and i feel the same way right now, a little bit. i'd just append to it: real change and answers don't come from truth alone. one has to acknowledge the truths, come to terms with it, and learn from it in order to see some worthwhile results. don't ever forget who you are, be strong. remain strong and independent, remember invictus. communication is key. reminder: jealousy is just another form of insecurity with one's self. discovering myself, my family, culture, and history...it'll always be a never-ending learning process. 40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "i think about you maybe more than i should but the smog is getting old the drugs i’m taking aren’t so good so will you talk to me even though you’ve had a late night because i need a little help baby, tell me i’ll be alright cause everything around me’s changed but the garden that you planted remains" i'd like to dedicate this survey to leng tiet and the cranberries. here's to a good 2009!

shut up already. [Saturday December 29 2007 @ 1:27 am] [ music | the shins - those to come ] my dad apparently spent the holidays in las vegas, far away from our family. my mom got mad and decided to stop being so frugal by taking my siblings out to eat and shop and to the movies on christmas day. no one knows who he went with or when he's coming back. great, just great. earlier this month, he drunkenly (mostly likely?) confronted my mom and questioned her about choosing between him or the kids. he also instructed that my siblings save themselves the trouble and to stop addressing him entirely. who knows what else goes on at "home" anymore? that's as much as james could tell me when we talked christmas night. he was initially really hesitant about telling me because my mom told him specifically not to tell me...because i don't need to know, that i don't need to be bothered because i'm so far away, i chickened out and ran off. but he thinks otherwise, that i do deserve to know, and i'm grateful for him being on my side. he made this very clear in several different respects. deran's mom and stepdad were yelling the next afternoon while trying to anchor deran's car down to the bottom of their windy and icy hill. i was stuck in the back of the truck with neil miscommunicating and shouting at a very overprotective bonnie mama-bear... she just needs to learn to shut the hell up and let me handle this you need to talk to us, honey...communicate, we can't read your mind it was all so very unnecessary and traumatizing and convenient, why not? i'm learning and it's so safe to say that i know damn well by now: i can't ever get away from it. why can't you both understand that huh? it happens with every other family i've met, different characters in different settings and plots, but i swear they all fit into the same genre. sure, we shrug it off our shoulders and chuckchuckchuckle it all out, make-believe things are fine again. try your hardest to bury, to mask, to stifle everything i know you're truly feeling. he's scared but ready to give up and asks me for help, any advice? beats me. i really don't know what to do, if there is anything we can do at all. this undoubtedly makes me sooo angry and sad. i can't say it enough: we're all just so fucking different. their expectations are out of sync with our realities and our own ambitions so it may seem like we're being rebellious and completely disregarding what they have to say. i don't know. it's got to be extremely difficult for my dad to carry all the pressures of being the sole breadwinner for the family and to not be able to communicate or express his true thoughts and feelings with the people he loves. i can't really fathom it all. i wish i was able to talk to him, to get through his tough exterior but i think i'm too scared myself. scared of everything. i've called my mom several times since talking to her last on christmas but she hasn't picked up or called me back. i'm starting to think she's upset with me, for not coming home this winter break and sticking with my friends instead, for not being a part of the problem or the solution. i know they still think there's something going on between deran and i, despite all my rebuttals and firm statements to the contrary. why else would you spend summer nights with him? you go out to shows and dinner with him during the semester? ooh, you're meeting his parents and spending the holidays with them? they don't think in the same way you and i do. it all makes sense to james now that i've told him the truth about me and imagine how much easier it would be if i told my parents too. doing that would also open another can of worms that i'm not sure i want to introduce to them at the moment. i think about this randomly and it hurts and it probably shows to the people i am around. i want to give up and i'm learning to not expect so much from anyone. shut up, no worries.

it was about time... [Wednesday December 26 2007 @ 2:26 am] [ mood | refreshed ] i just had the most intense conversation with my brother...2+ hours on the phone, perfect way to end christmas day. we talked about more family crap and i came out to him and we reminisced way too much. it was the sad kind of conversation i needed to have with him, and i ended up bawling again in front of ohso relatable deran. sometimes i really don't think he can understand me. talking to my brother, i felt like i was talking to myself and it was really nice to have someone to relate to on so many abstract levels only family members can begin to understand. he sounded sooo mature and insightful which boggled my mind; he'll always be my little baby brother. i am working on my letter to him and my sister; granted, i did tell him a lot of stuff, i still can not wait to get it out to both of them. gaaawd something to remember for the rest of my live, most def. for those of you who don't know/didn't care to know the first time around, i am spending part of winter break (december) with deran in jacksonville, or and parts of january with stephie in the bay area. i haven't been on much but i have been writing in a journal and might just end up scanning the entries, who knows. i'll also return to messages and stuff as soon as i can. i hope everyone's having a very happy holiday season so far!

whoooa... [Tuesday December 18 2007 @ 9:57 am] [ mood | really dana? really? ] [ music | camera obscura - lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken ] i just tried looking for some belle & sebastian on my itunes but apparently i never burned their stuff onto my computer. liek what the eff. now i REALLY want to go "home" heh. camera obscura will suffice, i guess. also, i'm not allowed to listen to any depressing music until after i feel better about life. some incentive, huh? otays, thanks.

millstone / milestone / my own stone [Tuesday December 18 2007 @ 9:18 am] [ mood | go figure. ] [ music | brand new <3 ] i used to be such a burning example i used to be so original i used to care, i was being cared for made sure i showed it to those that i love i used to sleep without a single stir 'cause i was about my father's work take me out tonight this ship of fools i'm on will sink i'm my own stone around my neck if you'd be my breath there's nothing i wouldn't give i used to pray like god was listening i used to make my parents proud i was the glue that kept my friends together now they don't talk and we don't go out i used to know the name of every person i'd kissed now i've made this bed and i can't fall asleep in it believe it...

the beauty behind sleeping (and liking) [Monday December 17 2007 @ 7:32 am] [ mood | wide awake ] just now, i had lunch, with your sister and she-who-once-was along with a good friend of hers. soooo weird. and scary. the other two didn't talk much, was just mostly looking sad, but she was furious. accused me of certain wrongdoings and reminders from wednesday and friday night. i denied it all, that we're just friends and that nothing's happened, she was the only one at fault....remember? she did and began to sob, just a horrible mess. let's stop pointing fingers. she unexpectedly snorts up a line of coke too and then poof. [edit: 12.18, 9.56am - really, weird.]

realizations 'r' us [Sunday December 16 2007 @ 11:16 pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | whiney heater ] my days have sort of been bleeding in together. doesn't help that alcohol was involved for a decent splice of reading period. and wednesday night, ohhh. lots of good and bad that night...which i only started to piece together and understand fully thursday and friday morning-ish. spent all of thursday working and/or sleeping, with din din in between. i woke up late for life and work again friday morning but i finally signed the incomplete course contract with jen and talked to this lady in academic advising about my "issues"...got home, ate, drank some more, talked and apologized and wept, spent the night with her again. she's giving me another shot at this whole deal, real and my first; "prove me wrong" is the name of the game. i'd say 'i never read that much of it' or 'i only found it a couple of months ago' any of that stuff to downplay what i did wrong but it wouldn't justify the blatant disregard and abuse of trust, at all. it still has not sat well with me, and everyone else claims that i'm just going crazy again and overthinking things but i'm sticking with the game. i'm not saying that i will never ever do anything to compromise the trust again, but i will try to never ever do that. i think she's worth it to try. i'm considering step one: giving up the internet life. i had an intense conversation with my mom saturday night. i cracked and told her about the troubles i've been having with my classes and just financial stuff and about how our last conversation went...you know, the one about me being a slacker and how i'm just not trying hard enough because i waste too much time with all my friends (all two of them) and going out and partaying and that explains for why i am slowly falling behind in school. she would not listen to me at all, would not let me finish, and we were both just talking over each other. i was heading over to julia's to work on genetics and had to head back home because i started bawling. she got all defensive and said for the first time ever that my dad really doesn't want to support me being out here because it was my decision and that this is just one of the consequences i have to pay for (quite literally) so i should just stop asking. fuck you, i never asked. i knew it from the very start and sure felt horrible telling people that that was the case but hearing it from her, from them...its different and it really hurts. she kept saying it was beyond her control and "hate to say i told you so" and "this is what you wanted" blah blah blah. i got off the phone and my dad called twice but i didn't answer; he called back today asking when my last day of class was and when i was coming home. thats it. strange, much? i don't blame them really...i can't. they are products of a different time and place, a whole other culture. we will never be able to understand each other on the same level in many different situations. i can not go back to them after graduation (if that even happens...) i love you both but we're too different. made me want to write my siblings and just let them know that at least i understand and am around to help, should they need it. maybe when i'm less busy fighting life. it's no one's fault and these problems are just too far out of our reach and our control. at the same time, this only makes it a tougher pill to swallow. why is life doing this all to me now? i'm certain i've exhausted the complete range of emotions within this five-or-so day window but i've babbled enough of the important information. i've seen the good and the bad, just trying to remember how to feel. plus, i heard word about finals week quickly approaching. whatever that means.

pulling, pushing, and tasting [Thursday December 13 2007 @ 1:17 pm] [ mood | mixmixmix ] [ music | death cab for cutie - 405 ] so in light of recent-ish events, i decided to "deactivate" some major accounts on the internet like facebook and myspace, in addition to this el jay. the decision was backed by several different reasons including distraction limitations, call for attention/testing you, and tiny ovaries. rest assured, i will be fine, in due time. i will come back and call you back and answer your messages. thank you all for caring. reality checks are always nice. but yeah, last night? was intense. but like good intense? i don't know. i'm still grappling with everything that was said and done. its all slowly setting in as i sit here at work...i feel so weird, physically weird like my head is reeling from everything, doing fuzzy fuzzy laps; my stomach's bursting with a gazillion butterflies; my heart's training for the triathlon; my lungs are struggling to maintain a sufficient amount of oxygen for my entire body. really, did last night even take place? the way that it did? you sure? i've lost all concept of time. i'm tired. i don't know how much sleep i got last night, or this entire semester in general. leave with this: i felt alive; just one of those nights. i don't regret what was said or done, but maybe a little about how and why i said or did the things that i did. i don't want to pretend, not going to. blarghrawrahhhugh! thank you for everyeveryeverything. i will try again at life...later later.

great job! [Tuesday December 11 2007 @ 11:18 am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | brand new - handcuffs ] Hi Dana, I am just wrapping up grading the...discussion paper and am realizing that I do not have a paper from you. I recall that you asked me about turning it in late, but did you give me a paper? I do not have any record of it. If so, I am concerned that I may have misplaced it. If you have not yet completed it, I will still accept it for partial credit, as it is more important to me that you have the opportunity to write the paper. Please let me know, so I know whether or not to start scouring my files. Thanks very much, Dana. ... peace, peter a month now? at least Dear Dana, I have now lifted and looked under every piece of paper on my desk. I’ve gone through my box in the mailroom. I’ve checked back through all of my e-mails for the last two weeks. I don’t have a Genetics paper from you. I’m sure that you did the paper and that it either didn’t make it through the spam filters or came in at a time that led to the paper going astray (that is, not in class). Please get me a new copy of your paper. If you e-mailed it, it clearly didn’t arrive (a hint that you shouldn’t e-mail your lab report to me!). So please bring a copy to class on Wednesday. Thanks, Mary Rose two weeks tomorrow its hard to be the better man, when you forget you're trying. its hard to be the better man, when you're still lying.

is it just me... [Monday December 10 2007 @ 7:05 am] or do the days seem colder now than ever before?

the symptoms [Friday December 7 2007 @ 9:45 pm] [ mood | trying ] [ music | the faint - symptom finger ] i talked to my mom earlier tonight. they've been relatively short and decent conversations lately; today's started out with me and how much i just ate for dinner...two orders of pasta and a whole turkey sandwich...i know! it's weird, i've lost touch with sleep and food these past few weeks especially when i've been overworked so i'm glad i was able was to binge tonight. sick. then she told me how third uncle was moved into the old folks home last weekend because he has become too weak to move on his own. he sits diapered up in his wheelchair now and waits for visitors while playing bingo. sad. we talked about other stuff that i can't really recall right now and once again, money comes up...somehow from my sister "working" and how my dad is getting another car. a mercedes-benz, i hear. gawd what the fuck. i was trying to figure out the facts but its not like she, his wife, knows anything about it cause she didn't earn the money so none of it belongs to her and she doesn't have the right to question or know how his money is being spent. really? yes. so what am i entitled to exactly? as your kid? in college? here in washington? alone? oh i forgot, it was my choice, my decision, my life in my hands...this is what i signed myself up for over three years ago. so it shouldn't be any different now. she made sure i got my facts down correctly and that all of this was out of her control (STORY OF ALL OUR LIVES much?!) and that she never wanted any of this for us anyway. i sobbed quietly as she pathetically tried to change the topic to the weather, to my schoolwork, to that dentist appointment i should schedule, to my plans for the weekend...cause she's so good at covering up the issues. i don't know how i ever made it through my life thinking she was so goddamn strong and resilient, like she had her life in control. i see just how weak and dependent she is now on my dad. what, you're gonna leave him? bullfuckingshit. you wouldn't and couldn't dare to. you need him. in more ways than you let on. this shouldn't faze me but it does...every single time. it's just a part of growing up and becoming an adult right? i haven't been able to shake this feeling lately: this is what i wanted right? to get away and to be on my own. to major in biology. to TA. to work. to not work. to distance myself. to give up. to let go. to stop. i'm never going to be able to live with my parents in the same way before i left for college. i finally reached the realizations and implications a few days ago; it'll never be the same but i still miss her. in some ways this whole experience did bring us closer but at the same time it also broke us down and the tiny pieces are still left at our feet, pleading to be reevaluated and reassembled. fuck all the complexities of life. everyone i know is dealing with its commands, one way or another. where are the lines drawn?: news of the omaha mall shooting has been stirring up a lot of thoughts and questions too. i feel bad for the guy. "things could be worse!" i shouldn't complain about my life. thin lines, fine lines. i woke up yesterday wishing soooo badly that it was monday. more specifically, this past monday. recap: school was a complete blur, still is. work was fun; i was all feisty and sassy. met the new assistant in the office, laurie. sooooooo very different from joyce: bigger, louder, funny-er. its now fully staffed for the first time in four years...crazy. i still remember the times when it was just ed, sharron, danya, sonia, and i. missed the SAC meeting because i was at the tegan and sara show with linden! it was amazing. really. i mean, i didn't hit a thing and we're all still in one piece. we left after 5pm and got into capitol hill and eventually found cafe septieme which wasn't as bad as the reviews had claimed it to be. the waiter was nice and funny; linden ordered the eggplant sandwich which i've heard does not disappoint, and i had this really tasty pasta dish with shittake mushrooms and asparagus and pinenuts yummy! i was only minimally awkward here, i think, so yay! not eating alone is always a plus in my book anyways. next up: the showbox! there was this long ass line wrapping around the block and some alleyways. i was a lot happier when i got inside and could actually see a good majority of the stage! short lesbians galore! it was sooo awesome (for me) but linden felt like a towering giant slash a tree. we spotted eight guys in the vicinity so it was a nice diverse group of kids. northern state opened and they were crazy energetic; they were a mix between the beastie boys and the spice girls. it wasn't exactly what we were expecting but i liked the beats nonetheless. a good portion of the crowd was awake enough to respond and interact with the band which was also nice. then tegan and sara roll onto the stage and open with the con and i just felt complete, but so unsatisfied at the same time. why open with that song? i didn't approve too much of their setlist, mainly the order that all the songs came in and how it was basically just grouped by the albums: the con, so jealous, and if it was you. but technicalities aside, i liked all that they did play. i could not distinguish who was who for the longest time and couldn't really see tegan's lip piercing. they didn't talk as much as i thought they were going to but they were adorable when they did speak. tegan was especially hilarious with her bit on the fancy restaurant up the street. the crowd was relatively peaceful with the exception of some crazies who decided to start shoving and pushing and an extremely short-lived mosh pit. hearing particular songs live was just uplifting but so very sad at the same time; gaaah i just love live music and they were great and i hope its not the last time i see tegan and sara perform. i am grateful for deran and the car he loaned me for like the rest of the semester, or "until whenever." and for finding linden who willingly complied with the adventure, she enjoyed herself and had a good time and that makes me a happy panda. she is real and she is basically kickass. i came across saying all the wrong things in the beginning but i think i've got it down now? she's got feelings and deals and doesn't hide from life like many friends i'd like to think i know so well. i feel like she actually listens and is so honest and open with herself, it's hard for me not to return the favor. she's just real and true and intelligent and well-manneredly-opinionated, which is a very welcomed change for me. you see desperation, i see strength. it might be that there's a disconnect between the meanings individuals assign for different words but i'm not gonna lie, i think about how i am perceived and how i come across but more importantly how its all translated back to the other person. its taken me so long to try to right this wrong. i don't understand how i can babble on so much at times but then also shut down completely some times. i will never wait as long as i did to buy tickets ever again, regardless of the event. it was all worth it in the end, late penalty car parking fees and all. (so thank you.) on the note of talking and then not, my housemates (minus stephanie to a somewhat lesser degree) are driving me up the walls. stop being so goddamn messy. stop trying to pretend you can read recipes and cook/bake. don't waltz into our room pick up my speakers to use downstairs for your tiny dance partay when random kids are also around because you happened to sign up to house ten fucking hippies for your stupid convention. don't sneak through my cupboards to help yourselves to my dishware and rice cookers; wash your own dishes...it'll give you something to try to cook with. have a goddamn bit of courtesy, it might do you some good. i wish i could've spotted this sooner and actually dones something about it instead of having it come down to this. this took waaay too long to write. i do feel a little better now, i guess.

short update. [Wednesday December 5 2007 @ 12:13 pm] [ mood | better ] [ music | the frames - fighting on the stairs ] (this is really long overdue but i need to write this all down.) eeep! linden? dinner? tegan&sara? monday night? all were amazing. life this week has been off to a more-than-decent start and i'm looking on the brighter sides of things a little more. which is ironic. irony and symbolism. subtle but present forms in recent times. however, before this semester ends, in order: * biodiversity paper 2, on the effectiveness of the ESA (due forever ago) * genetics long paper, on the genetics behind depression disorders (due forever and a half ago) * six discussion analyses for marine interactions * leading the chiton-coralline positive interaction paper discussion with my partner in crime larken * biodiversity presentation on the different methods and progress of zoos and nature reserves around the world, with annelise and julia * SUB dish return hunt with the greenhouse * genetics exam 3 * essay and poster presentation for human sexuality, on gay adoption and parenting (after topic change?) * two other discussion analyses for two other groups in marine interactions * biodiversity final paper * human sexuality final * biodiversity oral group final (oooh peter <3) * marine interactions final * final genetics lab report that should be it, all i am aware of. if there's anything else, i will eat any responsible persons before shooting myself in the face. for seriousness. but to end on a happier note...today, i should be pumped about: * last ecology lab i have to technically TA for * bible and homosexuality lecture thing with linden * readings and six analyses to write wheee! more details to come!

old skool [Saturday December 1 2007 @ 8:04 pm] [ mood | booooohooo ] it's just what i want: a taste of the past. gahhhh!! i want to go! but its tomorrow! at chain reaction! i was playing some music in marine interactions while we were all keying out algae and larken mentioned how he used to listen to them and mxpx and the vandals, which kinda surprised me. but san dimas came on and we started singing and it was cute. it brought me back to better days at marshall. their music now doesn't mean as much to me as it used to in the past and i think i came to terms with that a while ago, along with every memory associated with that. but its different this time...its kris with his guitar and blue skies! he's just using this to taunt me. i would soooo go in a heartbeat if its at all feasible. come to the northwest damnit!

good thing no one reads this...at all... [Friday November 30 2007 @ 11:38 pm] [ mood | pooped ] [ music | modest mouse - paper thin walls ] "Anyway I'm just going to assume that you're one of those who only considers updating when they're in a bad mood. And that you're not passively suicidal, like me." i've been meaning to address these issues earlier but you know the drill: i've been busy. generally speaking, i have been in a bad place/mood/whatever this entire semester, but it has its ups and its downs...i really haven't had anything positive worth mentioning here. lately, its been more down than up and yeah i've been more "vocal" about it which is a bit different from how i usually conduct business. and passively suicidal? oooh yeah. i don't have big enough ovaries to walk the talk, or the thought. makes me really want to watch 'invitation to a suicide' now. i guess i had forgotten about my el jay advertisement on my profile and most likely freaked out linden when she told me about reading it. haha sorry, sorry. i just didn't think anyone really reads this anymore. i thought about doing the whole friends-only route but decided against it a long time ago...i'm no one special; everyone has a chance to read what i write. i've got the whole 'you ask, i tell' policy, unless i feel otherwise. private entries are rare; i have a another journal for that with more truths and shit, have fun finding that one. but yeah...i'm pretty open and honest with this one, i don't care. if you read this, enjoy. genetics lab ended early today so i got home and took the most amazing nap ever. deran called and woke me up and we headed over to the dealership to pick up his other car. he's basically loaning it to me for the rest of this semester which is super nice of him cause i only really need it for this monday when i go see tegan and sara with linden!!! eeep!!! soooo excited! so i've got a ton of work to plow/plough (sp?) thru this weekend before getting to enjoy monday night. i went thru my planner and added in the rest of my assignments for the semester and i literally have something due/schedule for each day until the last day of classes. blargh! i get home from having dinner with deran at europa (playing hookie miss linden?!) and step into the house to find these 2 random girls on the couch in the living room. i survey the room and all the bags and pillows and clothing as they explain how they're lisa's friends who are in town for the sds convention. she had told me about a few people spending the night this weekend, earlier in the week but i wasn't expecting there to be ten people total. so i'm kinda still surprised but whatever, she said they'd be using the bathroom downstairs and won't really be around the house much. i'll be cool with it as long as i've got my own space. wow, its december now. what the eff. happy worlds aids day. if i get the chance and/or while i'm at uwtacoma stealing scientific papers, i'd like to stop by the art museum to check out the aids quilt on display. thend!

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